dr-maurice-duffy

Psychological Safety Isn’t a Perk

Thu, 14 Aug 2025 16:34:09 GMT

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When Loving Someone Is Not Enough

Thu, 14 Aug 2025 16:31:52 GMT

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The New Currency of Performance

Mon, 04 Aug 2025 16:15:27 GMT

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You can’t outrun a mind you don’t train.

Wed, 16 Jul 2025 14:29:18 GMT

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Remain static is to lose ground.

Wed, 16 Jul 2025 14:27:19 GMT

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The way we screw our kids (and sometimes get it right)

Wed, 16 Jul 2025 14:23:10 GMT

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Reading The Tea Leaves

Wed, 16 Jul 2025 14:19:14 GMT

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Calm Is My Weapon. I Carry It Into Every Fire

Thu, 26 Jun 2025 14:27:30 GMT

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We’re All Influenced; The Question Is: By What

Wed, 04 Jun 2025 14:04:56 GMT

“People don’t buy with logic. They buy with emotion — and justify it with logic later.”

Dr Maurice Duffy

We like to think we’re in control. That we make decisions based on facts, reason, and free will. But decades of behavioural science suggest otherwise. We are not as rational as we think; we are predictably irrational. And whether in politics, marketing, or everyday life, influence is everywhere.

When I led global sales teams, we didn’t teach manipulation; we taught understanding. Not to deceive, but to decode what really drives human behaviour. We developed eight detailed psychological buyer profiles, each rooted in a dominant emotional need: control, certainty, recognition, belonging, achievement, novelty, safety, or legacy. Once identified, we matched each with a behaviourally intelligent strategy.

Some buyers want data. Others want connection. Some fear risk. Others crave momentum. Matching communication to personality wasn’t manipulation—it was respect. But influence, if misused, becomes control. That’s why we anchored everything to seven ethical principles:

Authority ; People are more likely to follow those they perceive as credible or experienced. It’s why surgeons wear scrubs. Why professionals display certificates. The symbol gives weight to the words.

Reciprocity ; Give before you ask. Help someone, offer something of value, and they are far more likely to engage. Reciprocity builds trust—genuinely.

Scarcity ; What’s rare is valued. A limited offer or rare opportunity draws more attention. But when false scarcity is used, credibility dies.

Social Proof ; People follow people. If others are doing it, we assume it’s right. That’s why reviews, testimonials, and popularity metrics matter. They’re psychological shortcuts.

Consistency ; Once people commit, even in small ways, they tend to follow through. It’s why good communication starts with alignment—because momentum matters.

Framing ; The way a message is presented shapes how it’s received. “90% survival rate” feels safer than “10% mortality rate”—same facts, different frame.

Cognitive Ease ; People are more likely to act on what feels easy to understand. Simplicity is power. Confusion kills conversion.

Overlaying all of this was nudge theory, the subtle art of guiding behaviour without coercion. Small design tweaks, placement of information, defaults in a form—nudges work by shifting the environment rather than the argument. A cafeteria puts fruit at eye level: more people choose it. It’s not manipulation; it’s design with intention.And yes, it works. But with great effectiveness comes ethical obligation. Just because you can influence doesn’t mean you should. Influence is neutral. Its morality comes from intent.

Today, those same behavioural tools we once used to build trust are being used to shape elections, mask truths, and push consumerism disguised as choice. The danger isn’t in influence; it’s in silence about how it works.

You are being nudged.

Daily.

Politely.

Quietly.

Sometimes in your interest.

Often not .

So don’t fear influence, understand it. And ask: is this helping me decide, or pushing me where I didn’t mean to go?

“People don’t buy with logic. They buy with emotion — and justify it with logic later.”

But when influence serves truth not control it becomes something powerful: trust.

The Lie You Tell Yourself

Thu, 29 May 2025 10:59:29 GMT

“The most dangerous lies are the ones we whisper to ourselves.”

Dr Maurice Duffy

We are not the 50,000 negative thoughts we have each day. We are not our stories.We are what we hide. We are our lies. We say we’re doing our best. That we’re overwhelmed. That now’s not the right time. That we’re waiting—for courage, for clarity, for life to make sense. Lies on Lies. These aren’t truths. They’re shields. Self-serving myths. Comfortable half-truths—brushed just enough with reality to feel honest.

The truth? Most of us live in quiet deception. Not to fool others—But to avoid confronting ourselves.

We exaggerate our intentions and downplay our failures. We build narratives where we’re always the misunderstood underdog, the loyal one, the one who tried their best in a world that didn’t listen We re-run old arguments in our minds—and we win every time. We say we’re too tired to change, yet spend hours scrolling. We say we want connection, but ghost people who care. We say we value truth—while hiding from mirrors. We’ve become curators of comfort. Addicted to the familiar. Allergic to honesty.

And then there’s Joe (not real name),

Joe lied too. Not to manipulate. Just enough to survive the day. To keep the story neat. By 67, Joe had become a master of self-deception.

He told himself he was a good man because he never hurt anyone. He told himself he was a faithful husband, though emotionally absent. He told himself he was successful because he held the same job for 40 years. He told himself there was time. That the dreams could wait. That this version of himself was “just who he was”. But Joe was trapped. He once said to me: “I feel like I’m behind a mirror. I can see the man I was meant to be—but I’m not in his life.” He’d sit in the same café each morning, watching the world go by, replaying the past like a showreel. He won every argument in his head. He was always noble, always right. But what he couldn’t replay was the joy he never chased, the risks he never took, the truths he never told.

He didn’t live. - He maintained. He didn’t feel. He numbed. He didn’t evolve. He explained. And slowly, the story he’d built to protect himself became a cage.

I call this ‘The Psychology of the Mirror’ - the internal story we tell about who we are and what our life means. But what if that story is pure fiction? What if your identity—your labels, traits, habits—are just rehearsed myths? You say: “I’m an introvert,” so you avoid intimacy. You say: “I’m a procrastinator,” so you delay action. You say: “I’ve always been like this,” but you mean: “I’m afraid to change.”

According to research, the stories we tell don’t just reflect our personality—they become it. But they’re rarely accurate. They’re riddled with bias, ego, and fear. We filter the world through the lens of what flatters or protects us. Your self-narrative isn’t a truth. It’s a script. And your ego is the scriptwriter. We edit to survive. We minimise regret. We cling to traits that let us off the hook. And we trade our potential for the illusion of peace.

Ask yourself:

If someone else told your life story, what would they say?
If your child inherited your traits, would you feel proud—or ashamed?
If an honest narrator replayed your life—no spin, no edits—what would they reveal?

Until you confront the lie, you can’t write a better truth.

Joe never did. He died last year—not tragically, just quietly. Like a man who spent his life looking at a better version of himself through glass. And by then, the mirror was too thick to break.

Steps to Break the Lie:

Audit Your Myth; What’s the story you always tell yourself?“I always put others first.”,“No one’s ever really helped me.”,“I’m not made for more.” Write it down. Say it out loud. Now ask: is this truth—or comfort?
Step Outside the Mirror; Ask someone who loves you to describe a version of you in one sentence. Don’t correct them. Just listen. It may feel hard—but it will be honest.
Do the Thing You Fear; Make the phone call. Say the sorry. Submit the application. Do the thing that makes your stomach turn. Because that is where your lie wants you quiet.

The life you want isn’t on the other side of perfection. It’s on the other side of your self-deceptions. You weren’t born to rehearse regrets. You weren’t made to play small.And your story, if you choose it—can still be rewritten. But only if you stop whispering excuses into the dark and start telling the truth in the daylight.

Don’t be Joe.

Fear

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 12:58:50 GMT

BBC- Why does fear seem to hold so much power over my choices and decisions, dominating various aspects of my life- Stephen

Three voices in my head The past me- The future me and the Present me

Scarab, with its sly whispers, casts shadows on the path. "What if you fail?" Be afraid it

Phoenix, listening to Scarb fears , added fuel to the fears, painting vivid pictures of worst-case scenarios.

Zeneth the current you saying Fear," they declared, "you are not my master. I choose courage over apprehension,

Stress Response: Fear triggers the body's stress response,

Impact on the Brain: Prolonged fear and stress can affect the structure and function of the brain Train your mind to see fear as a challenge, not a threat
Suppression of the Immune System: Chronic fear weakens the immune system, Courage strengthens immunity; fear weakens defenses. Choose courage
Sleep Disturbances: Fear and anxiety often contribute to sleep disturbances.
Digestive Issues: Fear can negatively impact the digestive system, Confront fear, embrace calm
Negative Impact on Mental Health:
Living in constant fear can significantly reduce overall life satisfaction and hinder personal and professional growth.
Impaired Decision-Making: Fear can cloud judgment and impair decision-making abilities.

1. Acknowledging fear is the first step to mastering courage:

2. Embrace the present moment; fear loses its grip when you anchor in the now and this becomes your focus

3. Practice Deep Breathing: Breathe deeply, exhale fear; in each breath

4. Body Scan Meditation: body scan meditation, unravels the knots of anxiety

5. Label Your Thoughts with clarity, for in naming them, you diminish their power, paving the way for courage to take root

6. Practice non-judgmental awareness. Avoid labeling your fear as "good" or "bad." Instead, observe it with curiosity and openness. This attitude can create a more compassionate relationship with your own emotions.

7. Ground Yourself in the Senses: fears fade when you immerse in the present, feeling the world around you with mindful awareness

8. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR):

You must remember Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself as Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear and our Fear is only as deep as our mind allows

Meditation

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 12:53:06 GMT

While the recognition of cardiovascular exercise's benefits dates back to the mid-20th century, ongoing research continually refines our understanding and recommendations for optimal health.

In the bustling lives of kids, there is growing evidence of things that can improve their mental health meditation offers a hugely valuable respite, aiding in relaxation and mental reset.

There is resounding evidence that speaks to one fact: Meditation can be incredibly beneficial in many aspects of children’s lives.

• Improved sleep

• Increased focus and prolonged attention span

• Reduced stress and anxiety

• Stronger mental resilience

• Improved emotional regulation

• Increased self-awareness and empathy

In addition to the above benefits, studies have shown that meditation can help children by improving their working memory capacity.

In a nutshell, this is the cognitive ability to selectively maintain and manipulate said information without getting easily distracted over short periods of time. This can result in improved academic performance, including mathematical and literacy skills Ultimately, meditation offers invaluable support in navigating the complexities of growing up, nurturing holistic well-being and cognitive development

Here is a story I tell.

In an enchanted realm lived three friends : Scarab, Phoenix, and Zenth, each had a special power.

Scarab, was drawn to the pull of negativity. His powers allowed him to see the darkest corners of people's minds, where fears and doubts resided. As children, Scarab's influence was subtle, like a whisper of doubt in the wind. But as they grew older, his whispers grew louder, enticing them towards negative thoughts and emotions.

Phoenix, represented the future world they would live in. With fiery wings, Phoenix soared high, inspiring their grat dreams and ambitions. But her flames could burn too bright, leading to unrealistic expectations and fear of failure. She was carried their parents and teachers dreams and expectations of the friends. As the children matured, Phoenix's pressure to conform to parential and society standards and excel in their endeavors became overwhelming.

Zenth, the youngest, always sought to stay in the present moment and discovered the practice of meditation. With serene eyes and a calming aura, Zenth tried to teach her friends the importance of mindfulness and inner peace. Yet, amidst the chaos of growing up, her attempts to teach her friends often went unheard, drowned out by Scarab's negativity and Phoenix's demands for achievement.

As the three friends navigated the trials of adolescence, they faced challenges that tested their strengths and vulnerabilities. Scarab's whispers grew stronger, feeding insecurities and self-doubt. Phoenix's expectations weighed heavily, overshadowing moments of joy and spontaneity. It seemed as though the future held only uncertainty and pressure.

But amidst all the noise , Zenth remained steadfast, gently guiding her friends towards the path of mindfulness and self-awareness. Through the practice of meditation, they learned to quiet Scarab's whispers and temper Phoenix's flames. They discovered the power of living in the present moment, finding peace and clarity amidst life's chaos.

Together, Scarab, Phoenix, and Zenth learnt as they faced new challenges understanding that Scarabs negativity was important to keep them safe, but also was part of the person they were, whichst Phenix pushes the edges of their dreams which is good but many times burgens them with expectations that are unrealistic, Zenith calms them to understand the storms of life and use the power of Scarab and Phoenix in a way that build momenteum in a safe manner.

1. Meditation nurtures inner peace, offering children a sanctuary where they can cultivate resilience, equipping them with tools to navigate lifes challenges.

2. Meditation enhances focus and attention span, empowering children to engage more deeply in learning and exploration where they can discover the power of self-awareness, fostering emotional intelligence and empathy and build a sense of calm, reducing stress and anxiety while promoting overall well-being

Inspiration

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 12:44:43 GMT

When I am feeling down I always reach out for ordinary people who do extraordinary things. I've find immense inspiration in the stories of ordinary individuals who've left an extraordinary mark on our world. Whether it's through chance encounters with someone introduced by Alfie Joey, renowned for his comedy and BBC fame, or reflecting on the heartfelt eulogy I was asked to review by my son-in-law for his beloved granny, these moments remind me of the profound impact everyday people can have on our lives.

Alfie led me to discover " Vindication Swim ," a captivating biographical film chronicling the incredible journey of Mercedes Gleitze , the pioneering swimmer who defied the odds to become the first British woman to conquer the English Channel in 1927. Despite facing freezing waters, daunting currents, and societal skepticism, Mercedes's unwavering determination carried her through the grueling challenge, inspiring audiences with her resilience and indomitable spirit.

Additionally, my son-in-law's touching tribute introduced me to Audrey Lewis , born in 1936 in Jamaica and a part of the Windrush generation. Audrey's decision to leave her four young children behind and embark on a courageous journey to the United Kingdom in September 1961 speaks volumes about her determination to provide them, and herself, with a better life. Despite encountering discrimination and hardship, Audrey persevered, contributing her talents and spirit to her new community. Her story embodies the sacrifices and resilience of the Windrush generation, leaving a lasting legacy of strength in the face of adversity.

The stories of Mercedes Gleitze and Audrey Lewis inspire me :. Despite facing daunting challenges, they both persisted with unwavering determination. Their journeys inspire me to confront obstacles head-on, drawing upon my inner strength to overcome adversity. Their example reminds me never to give up on my dreams and to believe in my ability to overcome any obstacles life throws my way.

Reject Physic Vampires. Do not let people with dirty shoes walk though your brain. People often attempt to pull you down to their level because they see your ascent as a threat to their comfort zone. remember, eagles soar alone, untouched by the petty concerns of those below
Self-Reflection: The journey of self-discovery begins with a single question Why am I here and is answered by : Who am I, and what do I stand for
Goal Setting: Set your goals high, start walking one step at a time and don't stop till you get there.
Positive Affirmations: Believe in yourself and all that you are. The greatest speech you will ever hear is the one you give yourself every morning. I just know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle
Seek Inspiration: Surround yourself with the dreamers, the doers, the believers, and the thinkers. But most of all, surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even when you don't see it yourself
Mindfulness and Meditation: In the silence of the mind, true inspiration arises.
20/20/20 Rule: 20 minutes of strenuous exercise, 20 minutes of meditation and mindfulness, and 20 minutes of learning: a simple formula to ignite inspiration and elevate every day to its fullest potential.
Unlearn to Learning The capacity to learn is a gift; the ability to learn is a skill; the reward from learning is wisdom; yet, the willingness to learn remains a powerful choice. But you must create the space by unlearning first.
Celebrate Progress: Success is not a destination; it's a journey. Celebrate the small victories along the way."
Connect with Others: Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher."
Visualize Success: Visualization is the engine that powers your dreams, turning imagination into the fuel for extraordinary achievements . The only limit to the height of your achievements is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work for them
Self-Care: Self-care is not selfish; it's essential. You cannot really love another until you love yourself. Just as in an airplane emergency, where you must put on your own face mask before assisting others, you cannot serve others or help others from an empty vessel.

Find inspiration in the everyday heroes around you, for they are the ones who prove that extraordinary things can be achieved with a sprinkle of determination and a dash of courage.

Automatic Habits

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 12:36:31 GMT

Transforming Routine into Ritual: Redefining Automatic Habits

Automatic habits, also known as habits or routines, are behaviours that we perform regularly and often unconsciously. They're typically formed through repetition and can be difficult to change. Here arew some examples of good and bad habits

Good Habits

1. Regular Exercise: You don’t have to be extreme. Just consistent Making it a habit to exercise regularly, such as going for a walk or hitting the gym after work, promotes physical health and mental well-being.

2. Healthy Eating: Choosing nutritious foods and portion sizes without much thought or effort can lead to better overall health and energy levels.

3. Daily Meditation: I meditate every day. It's my way of reminding my mind to stop, drop, and just be

Bad Habits

1. Mindless Snacking: "I don't always snack mindlessly, but when I do, it's usually while staring blankly into the fridge wondering where all the healthy food went. Automatically reaching for unhealthy snacks when bored or stressed can contribute to weight gain and poor dietary habits.

2. Excessive Screen Time: Spending excessive hours on screens, whether it's smartphones, computers, or television, can lead to decreased productivity, disrupted sleep patterns, and social disconnection.

3. Procrastination: Automatically delaying tasks or avoiding responsibilities can lead to increased stress, missed deadlines, and decreased overall productivity.

Here are three characteristics of automatic habits and three strategies to change them:

Characteristics of Automatic Habits:

1. Routine: Automatic habits are ingrained into our daily routines. They occur without much conscious thought and are often triggered by certain cues or situations.

2. Repetition: These habits are reinforced through repetition. The more frequently we engage in a behavior, the more automatic it becomes.

3. Immunity to Change: Mental xray. Automatic habits can be resistant to change because they are deeply ingrained in our neural pathways. Attempting to break or alter them can be challenging and may require conscious effort and persistence.

Positivity alone may illuminate the path, but it's the consistent steps of mindful action that pave the way to change

By understanding the characteristics of automatic habits and implementing strategies to change them, you can gradually replace old habits with new ones that align with your goals and values. Remember that change takes time and persistence, so be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way.

Strategies to Change Automatic Habits:

1. Identify Triggers and Replace Them : Awareness is the first step to change Awareness is the birthplace of possibility. Everything you want to do, everything you want to be, starts here .Recognize the cues or triggers that initiate the habit and replace them with alternative cues that steer you toward the desired behavior.

For example, if you have a habit of snacking when watching TV, try replacing the trigger (watching TV) with a different activity such as taking a walk or doing a hobby that doesn't involve food.

2. Build a structured system . We look for the one action, or the one person, that created this mess. As soon as we find someone to blame, we act as if we’ve solved the problem.” which provides clarity, consistency, and accountability, essential elements for effectively changing automatic habits. Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.

The need to focus on building systems and developing processes rather than trying to achieve goals or outcomes.

the importance of building identity-based habits where “instead of thinking about the result that you want, or the outcome that you’re trying to achieve, [you] start with the type of person that you wish to become.”

The power in designing your environment rather than relying on motivation to get you through

3. Habit Stacking . Small hinges swing big doors To change automatic habits, habit stacking can be incredibly effective. Habit stacking involves linking a new habit you want to establish with an existing habit, making it easier to integrate into your routine. This method leverages the power of association and can help reinforce the desired behavior over time. Here's an example of habit stacking:

Existing Habit: Drinking a morning cup of coffee New Habit: Practicing mindfulness meditation

After pouring yourself a cup of coffee in the morning, sit down in your favorite chair and spend five minutes practicing mindfulness meditation before taking your first sip of coffee.

In this example, you're linking the new habit of mindfulness meditation with the existing habit of drinking coffee. By associating the two activities together, you're more likely to remember to practice meditation each morning, and over time, it becomes an automatic part of your routine

4. The 1% Rule ; Small actions lead to big changes .The 1% rule suggests making small, incremental changes consistently over time to achieve significant results. When applied to changing automatic habits, it means focusing on making tiny adjustments to your behavior each day. Break down the habit into smaller components and work on changing one aspect at a time. For example, if you want to establish a habit of regular exercise, start by committing to just 10 minutes of physical activity each day and gradually increase the duration and intensity over time.

5. Practice Mindfulness : "Be present in all things Increase your awareness of the habit by practicing mindfulness. Pay attention to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with the habit without judgment. Mindfulness can help you identify patterns and triggers, making it easier to interrupt the automatic response and choose a different behavior. Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or keeping a habit journal can help cultivate mindfulness.

When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that last blow that did it—but all that had gone before James Clear

A Canine Story

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 12:25:08 GMT

Yesterday, I took my two very large dogs for a walk on leads when I tripped and fell forward. Without skipping a beat, my dogs, for some unknown reason, seemed to think I had initiated a sprint and decided to lunge forward, catapulting me to the ground with even greater force. It was quite the fall, leaving me dazed and frustrated with my clumsiness. As I lay there, nursing both my wounded pride and body, my two dogs peered down at me with a bewildered expression, as if to say, "What on earth just happened, human?"

Now, why do I share this tale of canine chaos? TWO REASONS Amidst the chaos of the unexpected, I paused, gathered my thoughts, and chose to respond with resilience and humor, rather than reacting impulsively to the situation. So when the kind elderly man approached me and asked if I was alright, instead of screaming about my visible injuries, I mustered a smile and replied, 'Just a little stumble, but nothing a good laugh won't fix! Thanks for checking in

Later that day a listener on my weekly show asked about resilience and bouncebackability. In life, I've come to realize, it's all about our attitude and our willingness to reframe experiences so that we can overcome them or at least heal from the pain. Learning not to react impulsively but to respond thoughtfully is key. So, here are my suggestions...

In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity." - Sun Tzu

1. Pause and Reflect: Take a moment to collect your thoughts before responding. A brief pause can help you respond more thoughtfully. "Pause, breathe, reflect. It's amazing what a moment of clarity can do." – Unknown

2. Choose Your Perspective: Look at the situation from different angles. "Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." - Charles R. Swindoll Choosing a positive perspective can help you respond with resilience.

3. Practice Empathy: Put yourself in the shoes of others involved. Understanding their perspective can lead to a more compassionate respons "Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another." - Alfred Adler

4. Focus on Solutions: Instead of dwelling on the problem, focus on finding solutions. A proactive approach can lead to positive outcomes. "Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward." - Denis Waitley

5. Learn from Experience: Every challenge is an opportunity for growth. Reflect on past experiences to inform your response to current situations. "The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing." - Henry Ford

Cultivate resilience by embracing life's curveballs with grace, responding in ways that honour your values and goals.

Lead The Way

Thu, 30 Mar 2023 12:09:03 GMT

Living North columnist Dr Maurice Duffy examines the myths that surround good leadership

The business landscape is undoubtedly changing. While some long-standing aspects of leadership, such as setting a vision and executing a strategy, will remain, the future leader will need to possess a new arsenal of skills and mindsets to lead effectively. Leaders must either reinvent themselves or get left behind. There’s no entitlement in this new world.

What is surprising are the ongoing leadership myths that I consistently encounter when I run Leadership Workshops or my coaching sessions. I find my delegates and clients usually agree that when it comes to leadership there is no one size fits all; every leader has their own personality, style, and approach to leading teams which is a good starting point. It never takes long for the same leadership myths to surface – but they are very easy to debunk.

Myth 1: Great leaders are born, not made.

‘Leaders aren’t born, they are made. And they are made just like anything else, through hard work. And that’s the price we’ll have to pay to achieve that goal, or any goal,’ Vince Lombardi.

‘The most dangerous leadership myth is that leaders are born – that there is a genetic factor to leadership. This myth asserts that people simply either have certain charismatic qualities or not. That’s nonsense; in fact, the opposite is true. Leaders are made rather than born,’ Warren G. Bennis.

Anyone can excel at anything if they truly put their mind to it. Leadership is a skill, not a genetic disposition.

Myth 2: Leaders work smarter, not harder.

In today's climate, people seem to be overworked more than ever before, pushing priorities to the back burner. It's an epidemic that impacts employees, companies and our entire economy. The problem I see in today’s society is that everything is marked as urgent, and leaders are constantly getting more things dumped onto their plate. It’s not a matter of doing this or this, but rather doing this and this. And this... Great leaders know how to leverage their teams effectively and are very protective of their time, ruthless about priorities, and shrewd in applying their knowledge and experience. One could call that ‘working smart’. But nothing great has ever been achieved without working hard. Great leaders are role models and walk the talk.

Myth 3: Leaders can't show vulnerability.

Perhaps one of the most prevalent myths is that leaders, no matter the situation, must dig in and stand their ground. If they accept fault, change direction, or listen to others, then that's a sign of weakness. Of course, this couldn't be further from the truth. Strong leaders own their mistakes, are prepared to admit when they don’t know something and are inquisitive about learning.

Myth 4: Extroverted leaders are preferred.

What's the difference between extroverts and introverts? Extroverts are thought to be more outgoing and confident. Introverts are considered shy and withdrawn. However, being extroverted or introverted has more to do with how we process information. Extroverts work through problems by discussing them and seeking the advice and input from others. Introverts process their thoughts and conflicts internally. Extroverts enjoy a distinct advantage in four categories: emotional; interpersonal; motivational and performance related. Yet introverts bring other numerous characteristics that contribute to workplace success, including cognitive ability, conscientiousness, and the ability to regulate negative emotions. There are also many jobs, such as computer programming, where having introverted characteristics, such as listening skills or the ability to focus, can lead to great things. Larry Page, Bill Gates and Albert Einstein stand as solid examples of just how successful introverts can be. There are many more whose names don’t ring a bell. Why? Because they work to highlight the organisation and not themselves.

Myth 5: Leaders have all the answers.

The best leaders have a clear understanding of their own limitations. They know that success is a team sport and there is no such thing as a ‘self-made' person. They realise that it takes a diverse team to truly innovate and transform an organisation. Great leaders listen with the intent to learn.

Myth 6: Great leaders are always in the spotlight.

It is true that if you are a leader of the company there is an expectation that you will also be a company’s spokesperson. But leadership comes in many forms. You don’t have to be on the organisation’s executive team to be a leader. True leaders (whether they are at the helm or not) are humble. They don’t much care about the spotlight. They care about the results – and that comes from focus. Some of the greatest leaders of our time were simple men who shied away from limelight and yet have transformed industries and took their companies to new heights.

‘You can accomplish anything in life, provided that you do not mind who gets the credit,’ Harry S. Truman.

‘It’s alright to be Goliath but always act like David,' Philip Knight.

Myth 7: Leaders are always ‘on’.

Even though great leaders work hard, they realise that they need the space to be able to strategise, to think, to create. Leaders like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates were known to go away for extended periods of time to reconnect with themselves, their vision, and their ideas. Leaders need to find that place of wisdom, strength, and real connection (with themselves and others) and they need to lead from that place. Smart leaders also build the culture of creativity through encouraging their employees to take time to reflect.

Myth 8: Leaders should always put on an optimistic front.

This may sound counterintuitive to some, but it is actually common sense. This leader’s relentless can-do attitude and confidence in their team to overcome challenges, can end up downplaying how difficult things can be, dismissing valid struggles as trivial, and denying their version of how things are. Great leaders avoid defaulting always to an up-beat attitude in the hope it will raise spirits but understand their team and look for a solution in every problem, rather than overloading with optimism.

Myth 9: Leaders must eliminate mistakes.

It’s easy to see leaders as infallible. However, not only does everyone make mistakes, but those errors help us learn and grow. Rather than punishing or discouraging failure, good leaders observe how employees react to difficult situations. Without trial and error, there can be no innovation. The roadmap to great leadership is understanding that it is an ongoing journey of unlearning, learning and relearning. The challenge I often meet is that most leaders are talented but not all leaders are inquisitive about learning or themselves, nor are they willing to put that learning into practice.

Self-Care is Health Care

Wed, 22 Feb 2023 13:57:03 GMT

Self-Care is Health Care

Living North columnist Dr Maurice Duffy explores the link between mindset, health and well-being, and why we all need some self-care in our daily routine.

The sky is quite clearly the limit when you understand the link between mindset, health and well- being. This was something I completely overlooked for many years and looking back I think I have the former Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger to thank for highlighting not only the link, but also the effect it can have on results once you connect the two.

When he arrived at Arsenal from Japan in 1996, he was walking into a very different culture. He was taking over a football team with a notorious drinking culture and bad eating habits, as was the norm at that time. After what he’d seen in Japan, he set about revolutionising the team’s mindset approach to diet, nutrition, fitness and well-being. But he can’t have known how this approach would change the world of English football in the process, or my thinking for that matter! It took me many years to fully understand the importance of Arsène’s mindset magic for whole body-mind approach, but it had opened my eyes to it. My learning further developed after I met Yogi Berra, the famous Yankees baseball legend who said, ‘the game is 90 percent mental and the other 50 percent is physical’. This also had a profound and lasting effect on my thinking about mindset.

So what do we actually mean by mindset and why is it so important?

Our mindset is a set of beliefs we hold about the world and about ourselves. A person’s mindset can be positive, negative, or a mixture of the two. Our mindset is a very powerful thing, and has an impact on how we feel, the way we think, and the way we behave. A positive mindset is likely to lead to healthier behaviours, stronger self-esteem, and even a longer lifespan. A negative mindset, on the other hand, comes with a greater risk of mental health struggles such as depression and anxiety.

In my work I coach CEOs, politicians and elite athletes and I am often called in when there is a significant problem that is causing, or is likely to cause, personal or professional damage. Due to the profile of the people involved these situations can often also attract intense media scrutiny, which amplifies the need to address the situation and avoid long-lasting psychological consequences. A key part of any intervention is helping people deal with their mindset, because as we now know this feeds into everything else.

One such incident that was very much in the public domain was the massive global fallout from what’s referred to as the Australian cricket team’s Sandgate Scandal and I worked with two of the international players directly involved. Telling them to adopt a positive mindset or smile in the face of adversity was not going to resolve the problem, nor their personal issues, never mind rebuild their public image.

Yet how often are we bombarded with advice that we must simply stay positive?Looking on the bright side doesn’t work for everyone. If you’re struggling – and the idea of just grinning and bearing it doesn’t work for you – don’t worry, there are other processes that will help.

Feeling sad, depressed or being very upset can interfere with our lives, making it hard to think clearly, work, relax, study, sleep or deal with other people.

Instead of dwelling solely on a brighter future it’s critical to introduce reality checks whenever possible. This means evaluating the gulf between the positive future you imagine and the obstacles you’re currently facing, which is a process called Mental Contrasting. From there, you can formulate a realistic plan for overcoming those obstacles, your immunity to change, and take action accordingly.

I use a strategy to help people formulate a realistic plan for overcoming those obstacles and take action around the principle of Mental Contrasting which I call Sanity. It’s an enabling process that involves five steps: Goal Setting, Defining the Why of the Goal, Visualising the Outcome, Addressing the Obstacles and Immunity that will always occur, and Crafting a Plan with actions and behaviours.

It’s a great strategy to anchor your life in the now, fully understand your issues and concerns, redirect where feasible your negative thoughts, and structurally change your cognitive process. These five steps are designed to automate behaviour and create an unconscious cognitive motivational process to constructively respond to one or many negative life loops.

1. Decide what mindset is best for you. Some people genuinely benefit from positive thinking, but that strategy clearly doesn’t work for everyone and can actually exacerbate the problem in others. People who benefit most from focusing on positivity are defined in psychology as displaying trait anxiety – those who experience fears, worries, and anxiety across many situations, regardless of actual danger. You should never use positivity to dismiss your significant feelings. You must experience these feelings. If you are always just trying to be positive or happy, you may not be addressing the root causes of your feelings. Sometimes it is better to level with yourself about how you feel, and then see what you can do to alleviate those feelings without judgement.

2. Prioritise positive action. In whatever way you can, set aside time to move each day as 30 minutes of exercise a day can make a massive difference to your health, mindset and well-being. Go for a walk, jog or run, or do a quick at-home workout. Make sure you stop every couple of hours and do a few push ups or even crank up the music and have a 20-minute dance party in your living room.

3. Do not allow people with dirty shoes walk through your brain. Negative relationships are highly detrimental to a person’s mental health. Whether a partner, friend or family member, it’s important that you invest your time in people that make you feel good about yourself and add value to your life. Taking small steps to improve your relationships can make a big difference to your mental well-being and improve the way you feel about yourself and the other people in your life.

4. If you cannot afford 10 minutes a day for meditation, you must do it for an hour. Mindfulness meditation is an excellent place to start. Working on your mental health largely revolves around drawing your attention inward to the present moment, letting go of any judgment about what you’re thinking or feeling. Start your meditation by practicing breathing techniques. Breathing is so powerful. It’s one thing that we do have control over, even though anxiety can make it feel like we don’t. The benefits are proven by science – by slowing your breath, you can change your body’s entire parasympathetic nervous system response. And if you’re not sure where to begin, you can try a guided meditation.

5. Action your Bad Day Plan. When you’re in the throes of a bad day it can be hard to take a step back and think clearly. A Bad Day Plan can help you navigate what you’re feeling. Things to include in your plan could be a self-compassion letter, numbers of a strong support network; a mindfulness activity; a relaxation activity; a plan to reduce your to-do list; a worry journal; a plan for tomorrow. If you develop a Bad Day Plan you must use it on the bad days.

Self-care needs to be as integral a part of your routine as eating, bathing, and sleeping to ensure optimum mindset health and consistent overall well-being. Understanding this is the first step, but the only way to make sure it happens is to have a self-care plan and stick to it.

Why don’t you listen?

Mon, 21 Nov 2022 15:23:27 GMT

In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail , Dr. John Gottman notes:

When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship, you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities, at least while you are feeling upset. You can’t remember a single positive quality or act. This immediate decay of admiration is an important reason contempt in our communication ought to be banned from marital interactions.

So, what are the top tips when it comes to communication?

Aim for a respectful and compassionate quality of connection, so that everyone can express themselves, be heard and understood.
Listen more than you speak.
Understand the other person first. When another person feels you understand them, they are far more likely to be open to understanding you.
Begin with empathy. Refrain from: Immediately telling your own similar story, interrogating with lots of questions, Interpreting the other’s experience or giving advice.
Make requests that are practical, specific, and positive.
Respond rather than react.
Be present and ensure your body is “geared” for listening.
It is important to make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not in a way that wounds.

I often use the simple word to explain how to communicate. Think. T stands for: is it TRUE or is it your viewpoint? H stands for: is it HELPFUL? I stands for: is it INSPIRING? N stands for: is it NECESSARY? “Silence is a source of great strength.” K stands for: is it KIND? So, before you speak, think: Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind? Will it hurt anyone? Will it improve on the silence?

Words are, of course, the most powerful stimulation used by humans. Words that we speak to ourselves inside our brain are often cruel and unkind. You can change your world by changing your words to yourself and others because words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble. When we speak, we are repeating what we already know, but when we really listen, we can see into the soul of another person and when our two souls touch that’s when communication is at its most impactful.

Most people tend to believe that because they were at a particular event or in a certain conversation their account of the situation is correct. They generalize their perceptions of reality to be true for everyone and assume that what they saw is what really happened.

That is why focusing on intention is a very bad way to keep score on the effectiveness of your communication.

The only way to see how well you communicate is based on the response that you get from others.

If other people are not open to your ideas, it does not matter how good your intentions are, you are not a good communicator. It is not up to people to understand your message, it is up to you to make it clear and acceptable.

How to Think Successfully

Mon, 21 Nov 2022 15:23:25 GMT

As we all look on in awe at the amazing feats at the Winter Olympics, should we whether Olympic athletes are superhuman or just robots, or are they somehow a different species from the rest of us? What can we learn from their extraordinary endeavours?

In my experience of working with great champions, from Olympians to hugely successful businesspeople, to be a champion, you must compete. To be a great success, you must compete with the best; but to achieve your greatest success, you must compete with yourself.

I was watching Max Parrot achieve great things this week – three years after serious chemotherapy treatments for Hodgkins disease, during which he lost all his muscle tone and fitness and was very ill for six months. Max completed an inspiring comeback from extraordinary challenges by winning the gold medal in the men’s slopestyle at the Winter Olympics, on a course that includes replicas of the Great Wall of China. ‘I had to stop everything to fight and fight for my dreams,’ he said. ‘I felt like a lion in a cage as everything I lived for was taken away when I got Hodgkin and I had to get it back.’ And wow, did he just do that. An Olympic gold medal.

So, what makes Max different from us? Max is not superhuman nor a robot, he is just like you and me, with the same doubts, concerns and anxieties. However, he has two differences; he had cancer get between him and his dreams, but he did not let any obstacle get in the way.

To be a great success, you must compete with the best; but to achieve your greatest success, you must compete with yourself

For many of us, age, fitness, laziness, and anxiety set our limitations. We don’t stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing. The very real key to our success is not through achievement but through our enthusiasm.

I say, if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always be where you’ve always been, as the health of your brain is much more about your actions than your age. I ask that you leap off the fence of indecision. Get out of the ‘want to’ lane and put yourself into the ‘got to’ lane.

You know dreams are free, but goals have a cost, and the costs include taking action and building resilience. Goals don’t come without a price, which is time, effort, sacrifice, and sweat. It’s what successful people like the business people and athletes I work with show me every day. If you can see it here and you have courage enough to speak it, it will happen. People believe in certain things, but they keep it to themselves, they don’t put it out there. If you truly believe in it, if you become vocal with it, you create that law of attraction and it will become reality. Ronaldo, one of the greatest footballers of all time, said: ‘I’ve never tried to hide the fact that it is my intention to become the best.’

We often see very successful people as rather inhuman, robots, somehow a different species from the rest of us, no longer prey to randomness, luck or doubt. Swimmer Michael Phelps said: ‘Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.’

So, how do you feed your mind with success?

Get a vision board: I believe whatever we think about we bring about. Everybody has to find their own stroke. What underlies all winning mentalities is optimism and belief in their vision. You must stay with it and truly believe in the prize and reinforce that belief all along the way. I often tell my clients that failure, self-doubt and negative opinions (both internal and external) are normal. Expect them. Deal with them and keep moving forward.
Commitment: Commitment is a big part of what I believe. How committed are you to being successful? How committed are you to being a good friend? To being trustworthy? To winning? How committed are you to being a good father or mother, a good teammate, a good role model? There’s that moment every morning when you look in the mirror: are you committed, or are you not? Success at anything will always come down to this: focus and effort. And we control both.
Generate momentum with small steps: I hear many people talking about ‘riding the wave’. Successful people aren’t that passive. They live by this motto: ‘First build your wave, then ride it’.
Take Action: Ultimately, you can’t think your way to a goal. You have to take action. Winning mindsets aren’t innate. They’re developed.

Success is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, committing more than other believe reasonable, overcoming doubts and obstacles that others are afraid of, and expecting more than others think is possible.

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True Lies

Mon, 21 Nov 2022 15:23:25 GMT

When the mind is speaking without permission, it’s lying.

When I watch Would I Lie to You on TV, I always try to work out if the story I am being told is a lie, or the truth. I have to admit that I am always just guessing. Some people are just so good at lying.

We live in a world where lying has become the norm. Indeed, there are now fact checking organisations to uncover the fabrications often presented by business, politics or in press releases by organisations. I love that quote: ‘You are entitled to your own opinion, but you are not entitled to your own facts.’ Of course, it’s not just political figures or business leaders who have the monopoly on lying. Lies happen in most homes, whether it’s the little boy standing over the smashed vase saying ‘It wasn’t me’, or the teenager proffering a story for why they were two hours late home last night. The reasons behind many lies are complicated. Sometimes it’s to protect the liar from being punished, or to protect someone else from punishment. The lie might be to avoid being embarrassed, to hide an awkward situation, or to simply have others think better of the person telling the fib.

Such lying isn’t admirable, but it’s not hard to understand why it occurs. It’s harder to fathom why some people tell lies with no clear purpose, when the lies are usually easy to disprove. Researchers say there are various reasons why some people lie compulsively.

So, are people insensitive to falsehoods? Do people accept lying and what makes us lie. Do people no longer care about truth? The answers to me are nuanced and rest on the distinction between our conventional understanding of honesty and the notion of ‘authenticity’. The main element of honesty is factual accuracy whereas the main element of authenticity is an alignment between the public and private persona of a person.

Someone asked me recently, ‘Do I look fat in these clothes I’ve just bought?’ Well, actually, they were a bit chubby, obese even, but I am certain they didn’t want to hear that. So, I lied through my teeth and said ‘No, you look great. In fact, I thought you had lost weight.’ Is that lying?

Now the average person tells four lies a day, 1,460 a year and 87,600 by age of 60. You know 60 percent of the human body may be made of water, but over 80 percent of the human mind is made of stories and the lies we tell are hidden in our stories.

Few people ever come to realise that their entire life has been driven by what goes on in their mind, and therefore the lies they tell themselves, and others, matter. A mind that is full of conclusions is a dead mind and will result in many lies as we fight for our own conclusions.

But there are various forms of lying, and I can categorise them here:

People lie to make themselves feel good about themselves. To make them feel better, funnier, smarter than others.
The lie does matter… to them. While everyone around them thinks it’s an inconsequential issue, the liar believes it is critically important.
Telling the truth feels like giving up control. Often, people tell lies because they are trying to control a situation and exert influence towards getting the decision or reaction they want.
They don’t want to disappoint you. It may not feel like it to you, but people who tell lie after lie are often worried about losing the respect of those around them. They want you to like them, be impressed, and to value them.
It’s not a lie to them. When we are under pressure, when our behaviour is being challenged, repetitive liars can feel so much pressure in the moment that their memory becomes simply unreliable. When they say something, it’s often because they genuinely believe, at that moment, that it is the truth.
They want it to be true. The liar might want their lie to be true so badly that their desire and needs again overwhelm their instinct to tell the truth.
O what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Lies grow. If a chronic liar admits to any single lie, they feel like they’re admitting to being a liar, and then you’ll have reason to distrust them. And we do it partly lying out of practice and partly habit. It requires an effort to speak truth.

Why is being honest important? Being honest with yourself is the key to living your life to the fullest:

It makes your life easier.
It makes you more reliable.
It shows respect for others.
It strengthens relationships.
You avoid hurting others.
It shows bravery.
The worst truth is better than the best lie.
If you never lie you never have to lie.

When people cheat in any area of their lives, they diminish themselves – they threaten their own self-esteem and their relationships with others by undermining the trust they have in their ability to succeed and in their ability to be true. Even a tiny bit of deceit is dishonourable when it’s used for selfish or cowardly reasons. It’s vital not to lie – because the same people who believe your lies believe in you.

Put your own oxygen mask on first

Mon, 21 Nov 2022 15:23:24 GMT

Now, before I describe them, do note that you and everyone around you will prioritise these needs in different ways and give different focus to each of these needs. However, if you want to really change then you need to work out which of these needs are your priority at 1-7 and list why you allow these to define you in the way they do. These 7ND© are the driving force behind the ’why’ of what we do.

Safety: Many of us seek out comfort of safety first. It is a universal human nature trait for us to seek comfort. You would assume that comfort would be a worthwhile goal for us all to pursue but in reality, it is one of our greatest built-in impediments to future growth. If we were not wired with our affinity for comfort, our possibilities for a better life and world would be unfathomable.
Variety: For many people change is necessary in their lives. Where change is your primary driver, you actively go looking for the unknown, or are constantly changing things in order to get new stimuli. However constantly seeking change and being too focused on the future stops you from enjoying life now.
Status: This is so important to some people, where being at the centre of things, allows them to feel unique, important, special, or needed. Striving for improvement can be extremely healthy, but when the outcome is more about other people, then we can become blinded to what is happening to us as people.
Relationships: A strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something. Love is a huge energy source and brings with it many mental and physical benefits. However, life cannot be all about loving if you do not love yourself. Self-love of who and what you are is the platform to truly loving other people.
Growth: Abraham Maslow says “One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen repeatedly; fear must be overcome again and again.” It is in Learning that we grow. Learning itself is so important. Learning has no time or age restriction, all that we need is a passion for lifelong learning. However, learning is not just about being inquisitive but about synthesizing and applying the learning in the way that helps us and others. If your focus is learning and not growth you will miss the richness of life.
Contribution: I believe that our rewards in life have a direct correlation with the contribution we make and the key to life is not in the accumulation, but in the contribution. Our success should not be about the size of our title but the richness of your contribution.
This is both physical and mental health. T he health of our mind and body has a direct impact on the type of life we lead.

Balance is everything. Knowing which of your 7ND© human needs is your primary driver and how this affects your ability to connect with yourself and others crucial to your understanding of what fuels you. Knowing how you prioritise in order of importance these 7ND© helps you understand yourself better. It can also help you better learn how you manage the emotions you show, how you think, react, or respond.

If you want to know more, please do contact me.

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” George Eliot

You are the Pilot not the Passenger

Mon, 21 Nov 2022 14:27:41 GMT

Leadership is a hot topic and impacts many roles in life – work, sport, education-teachers, parents and students, family, friends etc. Many people assume that leadership is all about titles, positions, money, and fame. However, leadership is not an actual position or title.

When I coach people on leadership, I always tell them there are 5 steps to great leadership.

I show the first three here and will focus on Step 1 because as Jack Welch said, “Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about others.”

The first three steps in the Leadership programmes I teach are:

Step 1 is learning how to lead yourself
Step 2 is learning how to lead an individual
Step 3 is learning how to lead a team

Let’s focus on Step 1 as very few of us know how to lead ourselves for a day never mind a life.

The challenge is our lives are like ice creams we eat. If we don’t enjoy it, it melts away before our very eyes and all we have left is regrets about what is gone forever.

The number 1 regret people mention while lying on their deathbeds is, “I wish I had the courage to live the life I really wanted.” Many of us, regardless of knowing this fact, still take life for granted. We know we should be doing things differently. We know we want to be living our life to the fullest, yet, way too many of us still spend countless years in a job we don’t love, in a relationship we don’t like, living out our lives in the exact opposite of what we really want. And tragically, too many of us, let our days pass us by in an uninspired state of mere existence.

But this doesn’t have to be the case, not for you. Leading yourself is taking the steering wheel and setting the direction of your life towards your dreams and aspirations. Leadership is not defined by status, title of success. How we lead ourselves in life impacts how we lead those around us.

In his book True North, Bill George tells us “The hardest person you will ever have to lead is yourself.” Leading yourself means that you take a deep look at who you are, where you have strengths, and where you can stretch these strengths.

I say Live life to the fullest. Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself. Leadership is not about men in suits.

Don’t be one of those who die at 25 and hang around miserable and unfulfilled until they are buried at 75.

1. Laugh More. Babies laugh, on average, 400 times a day; people over 35, only 15. A recent study of Gallup data for the U.S. found that we laugh significantly less on weekdays than we do on weekends. Work is a fun drain and it should not be.

2. Take control of your thoughts and if you cannot afford 10 minutes for daily meditation then find an hour.

3. Don’t let those with dirty shoes walk through your brain. Don’t let others pollute your brain.

4. When the past calls your brain, let it go to voicemail it has nothing new to say. The ghosts of the past must be banished from your thoughts. Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.

5. Your actions must follow your words. Well done is better than well said.

6. Everything you want is on the other side of your fears. Fear is the second toughest bitch in life. Do you know who comes first?

7. Don’t be a glory hunter. It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.

8. Don’t compare yourself to others edited highlights. There is no comparison between the sun and the Moon. They shine when it’s their time.

9. Never let your emotions overwhelm your intelligence. Respond do not react.

10. Unlearn to learn. Life is always a work in progress and your life should constantly be under construction. There is always something to improve.

Our aim should be to end fully worn out from having lived fully, sliding at full speed into the grave shouting as loudly as you can “what a ride!”.

Lead yourself there.

Live life to the full. Everything you attract into your life is a reflection of the story you believe and keep telling yourself. Go dare greatly!

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader.” – John Quincy Adams

Worry Not

Mon, 21 Nov 2022 14:21:53 GMT

A recent YouGov survey showed that 55 percent of people were worried that the relentless cost of living increases have negatively impacted their health. Life is challenging enough for many already without this additional burden. It feels like we have just jumped out of the pan, only to fall straight into the fire as the cost of living crisis looms large just as they threat of Covid-19 appears to have abated.

This crisis is already having a sharp impact on people’s mental health and wellbeing. The NHS has stated the UK is facing a ‘humanitarian crisis’. This was amplified by what a friend said to me this week.

‘I feel as if what is happening around me is something which I have no control over. I am on a fixed pension which is a struggle at the best of times, but allows me, if I am diligent, to save and get some things for the grandkids. Now I am going to have to cut off the heating for most of the winter to feed myself, and will have nothing for the grandkids. I am going to have to choose between food and heat.’

So, what can we do to make things seem better?

Sometimes, the worst place you can be is in your own head. Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere, and whilst we cannot always control what goes on outside, we can always control what goes on inside. When I think about all of the worries people constantly fret about, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength

A small amount of anxiety is not bad for us – but when you are in a continuous cycle of it, it can become overwhelming.

Our anxiety was born in the very same moment as we were, and we will have to learn to live with it. Constant worries around your income and rising living costs might be making your body react in a fight or flight response, where you are trying to fight a perceived threat that you cannot control. The first step to understanding how you are feeling is to recognise if your money fears are negatively impacting your mental and/or physical health.

People with anxiety do not have a train of thought, they have 10 trains running on five tracks that narrowly avoid each other when paths cross, and all the conductors are screaming. This leads to high levels of anxiety. Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.

Clock what you are feeling. Have you noticed any changes in your body, like headaches, an upset stomach, or trouble breathing? Or your mood or routines have been affected – are you sleeping too much, or not enough? Or becoming frustrated and irritated with conversations at home or work? Are you always in an on-the-go headspace without being able to rest?

Then… breathe. Slow breathing is like an anchor in the midst of an emotional storm. The anchor will not make the storm go away, but it will hold you steady until it passes.

Open up. Another very effective technique is to talk to someone you like and trust. Opening up about struggling with the rise in living costs is not easy, even with others who may be in the same position. We live in a society that tiptoes around conversations to do with money and what support people can seek when they need it. Talking to nice, empathetic people keeps your mind off of your symptoms, and the supportive nature of friends and family gives you an added boost of confidence.

Try aerobic activity. During periods of anxiety, your body is filled with adrenaline. Exercise has many advantages for controlling symptoms of anxiety. Exercise burns away stress hormones that create anxiety symptoms; tires your muscles (reducing excess energy and tension); releases endorphins in your brain which can improve overall mood; is linked to healthier breathing and is a healthy distraction.

Draw on past experience. When money anxieties get on top of us, it is all too easy to let go of doing day-to-day or care tasks. It can be tough to put something like a budget into practice when you may have unexpected costs on top of bills, rent or a mortgage. You may also need a different type of financial support. Do reach out to professional advisory organisations such as National Debt line or Shelter for paying rent/mortgage; for paying other bills, Stepchange or Citizens Advice can help.

If you need someone to talk to about your mental health or suicidal feelings, you can reach out to fantastic support organisations such as Samaritans.

Find moments of joy. Finding moments of joy within a tough time of survival can be really important. I want you to do a little self health care every day. I need you to love you a little bit harder today.

Tell yourself: I will breathe. I will think of solutions. I will not let my worry control me. I will not let my stress level break me. I will simply breathe. And it will be okay because I do not quit.

dr-maurice-duffy

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Remain static is to lose ground.

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We’re All Influenced; The Question Is: By What

“People don’t buy with logic. They buy with emotion — and justify it with logic later.”

Dr Maurice Duffy

The Lie You Tell Yourself

“The most dangerous lies are the ones we whisper to ourselves.”

Dr Maurice Duffy

Fear

Meditation

Inspiration

Automatic Habits

A Canine Story

Lead The Way

Living North columnist Dr Maurice Duffy examines the myths that surround good leadership

Self-Care is Health Care

Self-Care is Health Care

Why don’t you listen?

In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail , Dr. John Gottman notes:

How to Think Successfully

True Lies

Put your own oxygen mask on first

So, let us look at these 7ND© in brief detail:

You are the Pilot not the Passenger

Live life to the full. Everything you attract into your life is a reflection of the story you believe and keep telling yourself. Go dare greatly!

Worry Not