Why don’t you listen?
In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Dr. John Gottman notes:
When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship, you tend to forget entirely your partner’s positive qualities, at least while you are feeling upset. You can’t remember a single positive quality or act. This immediate decay of admiration is an important reason contempt in our communication ought to be banned from marital interactions.
So, what are the top tips when it comes to communication?
- Aim for a respectful and compassionate quality of connection, so that everyone can express themselves, be heard and understood.
- Listen more than you speak.
- Understand the other person first. When another person feels you understand them, they are far more likely to be open to understanding you.
- Begin with empathy. Refrain from: Immediately telling your own similar story, interrogating with lots of questions, Interpreting the other’s experience or giving advice.
- Make requests that are practical, specific, and positive.
- Respond rather than react.
- Be present and ensure your body is “geared” for listening.
- It is important to make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not in a way that wounds.
I often use the simple word to explain how to communicate. Think. T stands for: is it TRUE or is it your viewpoint? H stands for: is it HELPFUL? I stands for: is it INSPIRING? N stands for: is it NECESSARY? “Silence is a source of great strength.” K stands for: is it KIND? So, before you speak, think: Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind? Will it hurt anyone? Will it improve on the silence?
Words are, of course, the most powerful stimulation used by humans. Words that we speak to ourselves inside our brain are often cruel and unkind. You can change your world by changing your words to yourself and others because words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble. When we speak, we are repeating what we already know, but when we really listen, we can see into the soul of another person and when our two souls touch that’s when communication is at its most impactful.
Most people tend to believe that because they were at a particular event or in a certain conversation their account of the situation is correct. They generalize their perceptions of reality to be true for everyone and assume that what they saw is what really happened.
That is why focusing on intention is a very bad way to keep score on the effectiveness of your communication.
The only way to see how well you communicate is based on the response that you get from others.
If other people are not open to your ideas, it does not matter how good your intentions are, you are not a good communicator. It is not up to people to understand your message, it is up to you to make it clear and acceptable.
